kitchen table

the perfect crime
August 17, 2006, 6:22 pm
Filed under: Darn Kids, friends, funny fun fun

Not exactly criminal: My brother & his friends rolling another kid around in a trash can.

When I was younger, I used to fantasize about all the cool things I could do if I was only willing to be bad. Spray-painting the sides of parked cars–in the middle of the night, of course–and slashing tires seemed totally fun as well as the kind of crimes no one could catch me doing. Sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car, I’d gaze mournfully at all the clean, shiny cars lining the streets–untouched! If I could just get past the stupid dichotomy of right and wrong, I’d be rolling in fun and easy criminal activity!

My friend reminded me of these fantasies today when he admitted, without any provocation, that somtimes he wants to dump a gallon of black paint into a post-box. He said it would be even better if his enemy had just dropped off a bunch of letters in said mailbox!

I related to him my own fantasies of stupid–or as he put it, “Fuck You”–crimes which only encouraged him to open up even more. He also thinks it would be the ultimate to sit on a bridge and throw eggs on passing cars. Ha!

What I think is actually the most fun is not the doing of such immoral activities–frankly, we’re too wussy–but rather the detailed descriptions of how such crimes would be executed. Any fantasies of your own?


August 16, 2006, 7:42 pm
Filed under: Buffalo, funny fun fun, tattoos

I have a tattoo of a postmark on my chest and today the inevitable happened: while buying stamps, postal employees spotted the familiar symbol and became excited. Really excited.

“Is it real?” one asked, staring openly at my neckline. She had just finished telling me that the Quilts of Gee’s Bend stamps are due out on the 29th.

“Do you work for the postal service,” said the other, a woman with a long, gray ponytail.

I confirmed that yes, it was real and no, I don’t work for the postal service. I likened my exposed tattoo—given the place, the people—to wearing a band’s t-shirt at said band’s concert: it’s cool to share your love outside of the institution but being so outright in your commitment within is like showing off, or being a huge nerd.

Ponytail lady’s response only further validated my analogy: “Thank god,” she exclaimed, “I wouldn’t want to think that anyone was that dedicated to the postal service!” The two women shared a laugh behind the counter and turned to me smiling, a look of amusement and confusion hidden under their grins.

“Well, that’s neat honey,” the first one said.

“You take care,” the other echoed. I scooped up my purchase and waved goodbye, happy to be a huge nerd.